So, after a few months of being low carb and following the WAPF and paleo/primal community, I come to a conclusion: It doesn't matter which diet dogma I try to follow perfectly, it is a dogma. Some rules by someone else, someone other than my own body. Diet dogma is so not healthy. I knew it before. I should have known, and I thought I did! At least I was saying that all this paleo and WAPF, SCD and GAPS eating was an experiment.
But there was so much attachment to the ideology again. It's tough to overcome this attitude towards food. There was so much fear of certain foods, that the past few days I was crying constantly, I feared the moment of being hungry, as that meant that I needed to eat something. See, I don't want to starve myself thin anymore, I am way past that stage in my life. All I wanted was health, and yet it turns out there is no one recipe for health that applies to all. So I feared being hungry because obviously I need to eat in order to function. I am a busy student. I am studying German Studies and this semester I started studying Law as well. Very intense. So I need my food! I need energy.
But what should I eat? I was SO confused. Low carb? High carb? Meat? Veggies? Sugar? Dairy? I wanted to say "fuck it" and just eat whatever I craved at that moment. But I wasn't craving anything. I didn't know what I could possibly want to eat because food didn't seem appealing anymore. You can find information on every single food out there on how bad it is for your health. And being such a health nut and nutrition freak, I couldn't stop myself reading up on all those articles; restlessly I was trying to find "the truth"... confusion was the result. Massive confusion. And with that came depression, frustration, disappointment.
I want to live. Really. I don't want to spend all day thinking about food, and then fearing food, and then reading about food and how it is bad or good or whatever. I just want to eat food and live; maybe write a blog post now and then. There are so many things I would like to do. I actually really enjoy my studies. I love being a smart ass. I am in love with my boyfriend and we moved into our apartment (finally!). We are happy and I want to enjoy my time with him. I signed up for 2 Yoga classes... but because of my depression/disordered relationship to food I was too stressed to go to Yoga in order to de-stress myself. See?
I really want to be healthy, but I cannot be perfect and perfect health is something that (maybe) cannot be achieved. It's time to let go. It's time to surrender and make the best of it. It's time to say good-bye to nutrition dogma. It's time to eat good food and be happy and grateful for it. It's time to be calm, smile and fuck it! There are things we cannot control and I don't want to waste my energy and my life trying to fix something that I cannot fix.
Life is an experiment, and I am doing my best to trust my journey.