So, after a few months of being low carb and following the WAPF and paleo/primal community, I come to a conclusion: It doesn't matter which diet dogma I try to follow perfectly, it is a dogma. Some rules by someone else, someone other than my own body. Diet dogma is so not healthy. I knew it before. I should have known, and I thought I did! At least I was saying that all this paleo and WAPF, SCD and GAPS eating was an experiment.
But there was so much attachment to the ideology again. It's tough to overcome this attitude towards food. There was so much fear of certain foods, that the past few days I was crying constantly, I feared the moment of being hungry, as that meant that I needed to eat something. See, I don't want to starve myself thin anymore, I am way past that stage in my life. All I wanted was health, and yet it turns out there is no one recipe for health that applies to all. So I feared being hungry because obviously I need to eat in order to function. I am a busy student. I am studying German Studies and this semester I started studying Law as well. Very intense. So I need my food! I need energy.
But what should I eat? I was SO confused. Low carb? High carb? Meat? Veggies? Sugar? Dairy? I wanted to say "fuck it" and just eat whatever I craved at that moment. But I wasn't craving anything. I didn't know what I could possibly want to eat because food didn't seem appealing anymore. You can find information on every single food out there on how bad it is for your health. And being such a health nut and nutrition freak, I couldn't stop myself reading up on all those articles; restlessly I was trying to find "the truth"... confusion was the result. Massive confusion. And with that came depression, frustration, disappointment.
I want to live. Really. I don't want to spend all day thinking about food, and then fearing food, and then reading about food and how it is bad or good or whatever. I just want to eat food and live; maybe write a blog post now and then. There are so many things I would like to do. I actually really enjoy my studies. I love being a smart ass. I am in love with my boyfriend and we moved into our apartment (finally!). We are happy and I want to enjoy my time with him. I signed up for 2 Yoga classes... but because of my depression/disordered relationship to food I was too stressed to go to Yoga in order to de-stress myself. See?
I really want to be healthy, but I cannot be perfect and perfect health is something that (maybe) cannot be achieved. It's time to let go. It's time to surrender and make the best of it. It's time to say good-bye to nutrition dogma. It's time to eat good food and be happy and grateful for it. It's time to be calm, smile and fuck it! There are things we cannot control and I don't want to waste my energy and my life trying to fix something that I cannot fix.
Life is an experiment, and I am doing my best to trust my journey.
Jasmin, this is exactly a post I could have written, right now!! So well describes my feelings/state/opinion...wow!
ReplyDeleteIt´s good you´re realizing the paradox of eating the best food and yet feeling your worst, with that realization you can (and hopefully, I can as well!) try to loosen up and start enjoying life and eating whatever is appealing at that given moment, or even what is available, because it most likely won´t damage you UNLESS you start feeling GUILTY. Guilt kills, really. Lots of love to you. Macromagician
Absolutely!! I couldn't agree more! :)
DeleteHey love! Thanks so much for finding my blog and for your sweet comments! :) I haven't been blogging too consistently, but I hope you come back and read more when I do! I'm looking forward to checking out your blog and reading more of it as well ;) Take care and have a beautiful day, Jasmin <3
ReplyDeleteThank you! So happy to connect! <3
DeleteThank you! So happy to connect! <3
ReplyDeletehey jasmin! hab deinen blog noch gar nicht entdeckt, aber super! werd mich mal durchklicken! btw - comments in english or german preferred? D
ReplyDeleteich fang erst mal mit deutsch an. ;)
der post ist wirklich klasse (wenn auch ein wenig älter aber ja doch noch sehr aktuell was deine einstellung angeht, wie ich lesen konnte.) ;)
hehe, aber ja, wir haben wohl wirklich so einiges gemeinsam. :) vegan war ich auch, nur nicht so lange, ca. 9 monate, dazwischen mal 1-2 wochen roh etc. aber du toppst in der hinsicht alles! :D
und ja, paleo hab ich auch gemacht, dann carb nite und dann dachte ich mir dasselbe wie du: mehr genießen, weniger denken. trotzdem natürlich gesund aber nicht mehr so strenge dogmen! :) obwohl glutenfrei immer noch!
diese jjvirgin-diet mach ich jetzt nur um für meinen bauch das beste herauszufinden was ihn wirklich stört... also es ist ja auch nur eine klassiche "eliminationsdiät". ;) ich bin gespannt. schade, dass du gerade kaum obst essen "kannst".. :/ kombinierst du es denn oder gibts das pur? obst sollte ja am besten pur gegessen werden...
hach ja, bauch gut, alles gut, oder? dir noch weiter viel spaß beim genießen! :)
bis bald, man ließt sich! ;)
liebe grüßle!
:) welche sprache du wählst, bleibt ganz dir überlassen! voll, solche eliminationsdiäten können echt gut sein, damit du rausfindest, was deinem körper gut tut (im moment) und was nicht! ich hab auch schon überlegt, so einen nahrungsmittelverträglichkeitstest zu machen, ich kenne einen coolen arzt, der das macht (ein russischer arzt, der mir einfach so kefirknollen geschenkt hat, hehe).
Deletezum obst: das ist ein schwieriges thema für mich. es kann sein, dass ich durch mein längeres frutarier-dasein ein bissl probleme mit dem fruchtzucker entwickelt hab :( ich probier immer wieder, ob ich früchte wieder besser vertrage. die banane im oatmeal gestern scheint mir eher wenig ausgemacht zu haben :D ja, ich hab zu nahrungsmittel kombinationen auch schon viel gelesen und ausprobiert.. (hab sogar mal ein natural hygiene studium angefangen, wo man das lernt...) bin aber zu dem schluss gekommen, dass das für einen gesunden menschen auf jeden fall kein problem sein sollte, obst mit anderen sachen zu kombinieren und pur schmeckt es mir schon fast ein bisschen zu süß :D jetzt nach meinem low carb experiment, hehe..
freut mich, dich hier zu lesen! bin gespannt, was sich bei dir so tut :) ist ganz nett, leute in der blog-welt zu kennen, die die gleiche muttersprache haben :D xx